GLEE Hits a Serious Note with "Grilled Cheesus"

The "Grilled Cheesus" episode of Glee got me to reflect on life and the concept of God and faith. Most people know me as an agnostic, but lately I've warmed up to the idea of there being a higher power, one that is too great for me to fathom. I realized that life has too many ineffable events and us human beings will not always be able explain them. I acknowledge the existence of a being that is too great for any one of us to describe with certainty.

I no longer object to the concept of a deity. I am just appalled by the self-righteous organized system of belief and its double standards, their "you're with us or against us" mindset. If my disgust towards religion is arrogant, then that's fine by me. I'm as arrogant as the people who condemn those who don't believe in God the way the former do. They're the same people who refuse to meet reality halfway with their outdated - not to mention narrow-minded - way of thinking, the same people who say you are doomed for eternity if you don't conform to what they say.

Should I believe in a God whose followers insist on discriminating against people because of their sexuality or their way of thinking that leans a little more towards science? I would rather believe in a God that knows no sexuality and forgives all sins. I would rather believe in a God who is more pleased when his followers help the poor or take care of the Earth and the ones that live in it rather than spending an hour in a scripted ritual that has been done for millenia.

I may not believe in the God that Catholics talk about, but I believe in the goodness of man. I believe in love. And maybe these things came from a being greater than all of us.

Now, if you haven't scene the episode I am referring to in this blog, check out this YouTube video I found. Maybe after watching these scenes, Christians will be more respectful towards atheists and agnostics.



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Last trip down Old Memory Lane

Yesterday I decided to clean up my work place. While I was at it, I noticed that my work space was crowded because I kept too many things. Old diaries, little things that used to have "sentimental value". I realized how clingy I have been. So I decided that it was time to throw away some of the things I no longer needed.

I threw away old diaries that contained some memories about bad days. I threw away high school memorabilia like props from the cheering exhibitions. I even threw way the receipts, Starbucks cup and napkins, and a can of Pepsi signed by Buds Over Studs.

Today I realized it was time to let go of who I was and to begin focusing on who I am now. Now that I think about it, in June I'll be turning 19. I'm not a clingy little kid anymore. My dad's right: I'm a grown up now.

Throwing away some of those things felt like a rite of passage. The memories connected with those things were good and bad. But they're in the past. Yesterday was the day to make space for new memories, both good and bad. 

The trash has never been more helpful.

Memoir

The ink has faded;
The memories have not
But life goes on, so must I

I can't linger with what was
The time is now for me to throw that away
And make room for new memories

"The hardest one to love is he who needs it most"

Sometimes I wonder if I will be the one who can save him - from the lust, the booze, and the cigarettes. Sometimes I wonder if by staying friends with him, I can somehow make him see that the future is worth making good for himself.

I feel like he needs attention... he needs LOVE. This love doesn't have to come in a romantic way in a form of a girlfriend. He needs love in the form of a person who truly cares for him. I think he is the way he is because of the disasters of his life. His dad walked out on him and his mom; his mom is overseas making a living for the two of them. He's alone. Sure, he has his "bros" and "chicks", but deep down I'm guessing there's something missing for him.

I'm not saying he's some kind of pity charity case that I want to help. I'm saying that he deserves better. You're probably wondering why I'm concerning myself with the life of someone I'm not very close with. Well, I wonder the same thing. I ask myself why I even bother. I searched for logical answer to justify this, but I can't come up with anything.

I must confess, though, that I am hesitant about committing myself to being friends with him. What if I lose myself and be influenced by him instead of me influencing him? Actually, there was an incident where I did, shall we say, "lost myself" (that isn't the point of this blog, however). What I'm trying to say is, I'm not sure I can completely handle making an impact on his life. Am I really going to be that person for him? I want him to stop running away from the good life. I'm even afraid that he'll wind up with regrets and a bottle of beer at noon everyday, wondering where his life f'ed up.

The lyrics from the Papa Roach song "Carry Me" is true: THE HARDEST ONES TO LOVE ARE THE ONES WHO NEED IT MOST. But don't get me wrong. I'm not in love with him or anything. I just think he needs love from a friend. You know, the kind of love expressed through caring and encouragement.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I think he deserves to be loved. When I think about it, if he's not "saved" anytime soon, he'll (figuratively) kill himself from running away too much. He could use a miracle.

Memoir - 02/19/10 08:10

Nobody's here, I'm alone with my thoughts
As the light flickers at the back of the room
And as Maroon 5 sings in the background
"Wake Up Call".. do I need one of my own?

When was the last time you did something for the first time? :)

I'm glad I incorporated the storyline of the movie "Yes Man" in my life. The movie inspired me to start saying "yes" to life's opportunities. Today I realized how happy you get to be when you say "yes" to the opportunities of life, even though making that affirmation seems like a scary choice.

The events of today were... wow. Yes, wow. For someone who wants to be a writer and is an English major, I can't find an adjective that deems appropriate to describe the day I had.

Earlier today, I established a friendship with the guy I like (let's give him the name JWB). What had initially happened was that my friend anonymously miss called JWB's number and a "text mate" paradigm began where two strangers begin a friendship through text messages sent to each other. My friend, being a prankster that she was, used the name "CJ" and my last name when JWB asked the caller/texter's name. My friend told JWB that we knew him because he's a friend of one of our friends. Fast forward into the narrative and I ended up on a (chaperoned) platonic-friends lunch date with JWB. 

He turned out to be a nice guy... okay, let's change "nice" into friendly. He was funny at times... totally natural, too. Okay, so there were some moments of awkward silence, but I guess that's okay. 

If that's the best it will ever be for me and JWB, then I would not give back to the world the happiness I felt from today. If all we'll ever be are acquaintances or someday good friends, then I'll be happy with that. There's a comforting thought that will keep me smiling: the memory of how I became friends with him. I became friends with him by taking a leap of faith and saying "yes" to the opportunity life handed me with, instead of saying "no" and being left with "should've, would've, could've".

Today was the first time I, so to say, went on a friendly date. What about you? When was the last time you did something for the first time?

As the first half of my college life comes to an end...

Last night I was flipping through the channels on TV and for some reason I decided to settle for Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian's reality show. The episode involved a storyline where Khloe was afraid of establishing a romantic relationship with her platonic friend Omarion. Coincidentally, the episode was similar to what I've been feeling lately. I know the feeling Khloe had of building a high personal guard that shuts out any guy who want to have some form of special relationship. I know her feeling of being "self-destructive" because of bad past experiences.

But then I think about how Khloe's the first of the Kardashian sisters to put a ring on it. In the episode, she dreaded that she'll end up alone if she kept up her "defense mechanism" and distrust towards men. However, if you fast forward to her life now, she's in love and happily married. To me, that story is inspirational. It even sort of gives me hope.

***

On a somehow connected note/memoir, earlier today I went to lunch with my friends Ruth and James in a little cafe run by a former Louisian (who graduated as an English major) and his girlfriend. What's interesting is that the paradigm got me thinking about my own life. During our meal, I observed the couple and I thought maybe someday I'd like to have what they have: the company of a trustworthy person, great job, and the comfort of being well off. It was a lovely thought but at the same time it was a little bit scary. It's admirable how these fresh graduates were able to do something in less than a year after they finished their studies (even if they engaged in business though neither of them studied business in college).

I want something close to what they have. Even if lately I'm beginning to realize than being an English major does not offer very promising careers in the future, I still want to do something in my life. I even said today that maybe someday I'd like to open a cafe that's partly a book shop. I also said random things about the future.

Honestly, I've been a bit scared about the future. I'm halfway through finishing my college life and more and more I am unsure about what I will do after I graduate. My future seems bleak, frankly speaking.

The most admirable thing about lunch today was how two young people have each other to start their lives as adult. Sure, what they're doing is not necessarily connected to what they took up during college, but I don't think they're in any hurry to pursue careers related to English or Psychology. The simplicity of this couple's love and friendship pretty much gave me a reality check: I can't totally lose faith in love and in myself. I don't have to be afraid of the unknown things or events in the future.

As Jim Sturgess sings in his version of "Revolution", "You know it's gonna be alright... alright... alright..." Things in my life are gonna be alright.

When you say "no" too much...

"I thought if I said 'yes' to things, and got involved with people, then sooner or later they'd find out I'm not good enough." (from the movie "Yes Man")

It's okay to build a personal guard to keep yourself from getting hurt by other people. When you've been badly hurt, it's understandable if you put up your guard. But then again, you got another thing coming if someone wants to come in to your life and suddenly see that you built your guard too high up. As a matter of fact it's no longer just a fence to let people know their limits; you've built a cage around yourself that no one - not even you - can easily get in or out.

Recently I've come to realize that I've actually trapped myself in a cage known as my "personal guard". Bad experiences in the field of love made me distrust guys. Now someone's chipping off pieces of that cage by being friends with me. As a matter of fact, our friendship's platonic. Furthermore, that's not my point. Now I'm immensely hesitant about saying "yes" to life's opportunities handed to me.

The conversations I recently had with the mentioned friend made me realize that I say "no" to life too much. As a result, I end up with "what if" and "maybe I should have..." as lines of thought. I don't say "yes" to life and in the end, I don't experience its joys and thrills. 

Maybe it's time for me to start saying "yes". I need to stop over-analyzing and over-rationalizing to the point that I become irrational. I need to start saying "yes" to life.



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Memoir – 02/19/10 08:14

“Loose lips sink ships”, yes, they do. Thanks, friend, for sinking mine. You really are a source of strength. You’re s builder of self-esteem, but what you don’t know is that I’m better at this game than you are.






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Memoir – 12/21/09 21:50

Patience and love are said to go hand in hand. You have to be patient when waiting for love, patient when you are actually in love, and patient when in the healing process when hitting the ground when love doesn’t catch you.

Patience and love have been hard on me. There are times when I think patience has already rewarded me with love. But then it swiftly sweeps the rug under my feet, as if saying “oops! False alarm”.

It wants me to hold on, to keep my faith.

MEMOIR: Nothing Suits Coincidence Like, Well, A Suit

Life's pretty funny at unexpected times. I take two steps back and it takes two steps forward. In blackjack, metaphor, I'm ready to leave just when the deck is getting hot. Somehow there's never a synchrony between the decisions I initially make and the opportunities life presents me.

That's why today was pretty funny. Today was my oration for Public Speaking class... likewise for the guy I like from that class. Since we were required to be in a semi-formal attire, I wore my vest (you know how last year formal, suit-like vests were made for women?) and so did he (of course, you can infer that he wore a vest for men). Those things are what I would dismiss as purely COINCIDENCE.

Anyway, lately I told myself that I have no plans of getting too close to him since personal history shows I have the tendency to severe ties with guys I befriend. My plan was that it was okay even if I didn't end up being friends or in speaking terms with this guy. Surprisingly though, this morning, after his speech (which he kind of screw up) I was like, "Can I take a look at the copy of your speech?" I looked it over and told him "Sayang di mo natapos" (or something like that). In English: "Too bad you didn't nail it". Before my speech, I think he was one of those supportively applauded (this inference comes from my observation of sound source... don't ask). During my speech I made numerous eye contacts with him. After my speech he asked me for the copy of my speech for him to look over.

Today's events were something I didn't count on. And I guess that's how life works sometimes... It gives you opportunities when it feels the time is right. It won't hand you over what you think you need especially when you haven't thought well about it. There's a time for everything, and fate or destiny or whatever Deity you believe in will hand it over to you when the time is right. You're not the one who will consciously decide when that time is right. The only thing you can do is be keen when it comes to the element of surprise, because that's where life gets you.

"Expect a change in variables..."

"I thought I had my life mapped out, but then I remembered... always account for variable change..." - (Ben Campbell, "21")

Don't ask me where I see myself five years from now... I'm not so sure. Before, my plan seemed clear, simple as it was: become a published writer. I'm all for the motivating speeches as "chase your dreams" or "believe that dreams come true"; however, lately, I've come to realize that my dreams need to strike a balance with reality. What I need to do is make realistic dreams (paradoxical, I know).

As the first half of my college life finishes its course, a feeling of uncertainty begins to grow in me. I feel like I don't want to finish school just yet because quite honestly, I don't know what I will do after I get my diploma. I probably feel this way because of fear of the unknown, but then just like other things in life, you have to look out for things that could alter your plan.

When I graduated from high school two years ago, I had a plan. Now, life is somewhat forcing me to abandon my plan and to pursue another one. It's like non-linear equations: you have to expect a change in variables.

The Selfish Baguio-La Trinidad Jeepney Drivers - Where Do They All Come From?

As far as I know, it's part of a jeepney driver's job to take his passengers to their destinations no matter how awful traffic conditions are. Ideally, they must work through the burden in order to satisfy their needs and that of their family's. So I wonder why the driver of the jeep I rode this morning was too lazy ("lazy" is an understatement) to travel to Baguio when in fact the jeep he is driving clearly says "Baguio-La Trinidad vice versa".

In his defense, he did ask more than once if any of his passengers were headed to Baguio. However, my rebuttal would be: he shouldn't have done that. It's his job to take passengers to their destination because it's his job to do so. I understand that traffic in Magsaysay makes one want to slit his or her wrists, but the driver shouldn't have been selfish enough to deprive awaiting passengers a mode of transportation (at past 7 a.m. it's mysteriously difficult finding a jeep). We all go through the burden, but no person should put himself above others the way the driver did this morning.

Anyway, this morning's experience proved to me that there are hard-headed selfish jerks in this world. If you're from La Trinidad and you're reading this, heed this advice: don't ride on the green jeepney with the plate number AYK 735.

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Memoir – 01/24/10

My mind is stuck. It’s frozen in times and it must have some form of motion… some form of work! I tell myself I can do this and that, but somehow I’m stuck. I’m unable to go forth and go after what I want.

I have to get out.

“I am RELATUSPHOBIC” – The Relatusphobic Theory

“Relatusphobic” is not a universally accepted word, so allow me to explain. “Relatusphobic” comes from the words “relatus” (Latin, which mean ‘relation’) and “phobic” (in its noun form, ‘phobia’, which comes from the Greek word ‘phobos, meaning ‘fear’). In its simplest form, “relatusphobic” may be ascribed to a person who inexplicably and illogically fears any form of relationship. The best form of relationship the word may be attributed to is that of a romantic one.

One or two of the following may hypothetically signify that you are relatusphobic (romantically):

1. You avoid any contact with the person you “like”, no matter how tempted you are to get acquainted.

2. If you are friends/acquainted with the person you “like”, you avoid any chance of elevating your relationship into something romantic.

3. You tell the other person that you want to be “just friends” or you don’t want to “put a label” on “whatever it is” the two of you have.

4. You keep yourself busy with school or work, recreational activities like video games or outdoor activities, or any form of activity that would lead you into thinking that you don’t need a romantic relationship.

5. For no apparent reason you turn down someone who’s courting you.

6. Contrary to what you’re fiercely feeling, you tell yourself not to get in a relationship by rationalizing and approaching the situation analytically. In other words, you convince yourself that you are in no way feeling any emotion parallel to love or the like.

Using the aforementioned definition of the term and my reflection of my personal life, I consider myself a relatushphobic. Contrary to my imagination’s frequent creation of daydreams and subconscious dreams of romance with the opposite sex, reality suggests that I am not ready for such. Time and again my actions have disproved my fantasies.

Exhibit A: When I develop a “liking” for a person from the opposite sex, I tell myself to “take a chance” and befriend him. But after giving some thorough thinking on the notion, I would back out. Thoughts such as “he’s not worth it” or insecurity-driven ones like “you’re not good enough” hinder me from befriending the person.

Exhibit B: When I do get to befriend the person I’ve developed liking for, at some point I, in an unspoken manner, end the friendship by heartlessly ignoring the person. The habit is brought upon by the pretense that if I get too close to the person, the relationship will elevate and I feel that I am just not ready for it.

With these evidences, I have come to the conclusion that I have deluded myself to the idea that I am not ready to go through the human experience of romance and maybe even love. The truth is that I’m afraid to go through the human experience of love. I lived most (if not totally) of my teenager life without having a “significant other” or being involved in a romantic relationship. There’s security in the company of good friends and family and in the drive to succeed in academics. To quote a Paramore song, “I’ve always lived like this—keeping a comfortable distance.” The idea of shifting my way of life scares me.

But you know what they say: “you gotta face your fears.” So when the time comes for me to face my fear, I’ll stare it down and make it fear itself.

ADDENDA: The term "philophobia" may be ascribed to relatusphobia. The difference is that the former is the fear of falling in love and the latter is the fear of being in a romantic relationship (that is, being in a structure that leads to "falling in love).






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"Valentine's Day" - The movie, the day, and anything else I end up typing

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and earlier today I had a "pre-celebration" (although I wouldn't call it that since I'm the last person on earth who is eager about celebrating a commercialism-driven social event). I watched the movie "Valentine's Day", laughed, and got a little teary-eyed.

Valentine's Day puts a lot of pressure on people. Men are desperate to find gifts for their women. Women feel the pressure of the desire to receive a gift because if they don't get anything, they feel unloved. Single people feel the pressure to have someone "to be with". I admit, even I succumb to the pressure of that physiological event when oxytocin is released in the body, which will create the biochemical reaction in the brain which "lay people naively call as falling in love" during Valentine's Day.

But somehow, while watching the movie "Valentine's Day" I was reminded of the beliefs I have about love. Firstly, love will hurt you only when it's not meant to be. Which brings me to my other reflection: true love has its time. It'll come when it's destined to come. 

I also remembered that love works in mysterious ways: The One for you could already be there in your life and all you have to do is acknowledge the presence of that person. A heartbreak could be a blessing because then you're no longer blinded by false hopes. Your eyes finally open to love's possibility and just maybe you'll find that person you were meant to be with.

The movie added to my recent realization that in love, you have to accept the other person for they are, even if, for example, they're "Adult Phone Entertainers.

Lastly, love comes in all forms. It doesn't always have to be between a man and a woman. Love can be between a man and a man, a mother for a son, a young boy for a young girl... even a love for oneself.

If you're in love and want to make Valentine's Day special, watch the movie with your special someone. If you're single and bitter about the day, I recommend you watch the movie. Maybe it will change your mind about love.

Memoir: 11/26/09 – 15:25

I envy kids. In their young, tender state, they know no fear. I envy their laughter because when you hear it, you know it’s genuine. They laugh at the simplest things and you see that they truly are happy.

I envy how dauntless they are. They dare to fly and it scares grown ups how fearless their children get to be. I wish to be as fearless as they are—no worries about falling, getting their knees scraped and bleeding.

Then it makes me wonder: why are we, adults, so fearful? It is because we know better—like what will hurt us and what won’t? Why do we no longer become fond of the simplest things?

So I envy kids—their life is simple, fearless, and filled with the risk-taking I look for as a grown up.




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Where The Lines of Fate and Coincidence Overlap

In every simple earthly event, we try to give meaning to it. People always try to find meaning or reason in things—why skies are blue when you’re on the ground but not blue when you’re up there; why an object at rest never moves unless it is moved by an object in motion; and why the first kiss could determine a romantic relationship. Whatever event it may be we almost associate a meaning to it.

And when we can’t explain what these events mean we ascribe them to concepts such as “fate” or “destiny” or “coincidence” or to some, “God’s Will”. But where is the line that separates mere “coincidence” from the mysterious “destiny”? How do you dismiss an event as a coincidence and when do you smile in amazement at a fated event?

I do know that it’s a coincidence when an attractive person who’s in the same class as you and 48 other people are wearing the same optical white Converse shoes on the same day when chances are about 183 people in the city or country are wearing the same thing.

Maybe a part of me believes that it’s destiny to be honestly mistaken during enrolment and ending up in a class with a guy who made nine months of my life... interesting. Fate probably had something to do with my falling out with a guy I was starting to get to know because his heart is with someone else.

Sometimes I believe in destiny. Sometimes I think some things really are just coincidence—simple events that have no great impact in my life. Maybe I dismiss things as coincidences because I’m not looking at the big picture. It’s possible that what I call “coincidence” is actually destiny in disguise.

Like what a good friend of mine once said: “Look at it as it is and remember that you’re living in a world of all-things-possible.”

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Five All-Time Favorite Lady GaGa Songs

BAD ROMANCE

Believe it or not, I find this song relatable. I’ve been caught in a bad romance before. All I’m saying to the person I relate this song to: “J'veux ton amour. Et je veux ton revenge. J'veux to amour.

I don't wanna be friends.”

EH, EH (NOTHING ELSE I CAN SAY)

This song is a LITTLE bit relatable. Actually, this and the preceding song are under the same situations in my life.

POKER FACE

This song is like a guilty pleasure to me. It’s irresistible, catchy, and definitely allows me to let go of my inhibitions when I enjoy it. Plus, it’s a really sexy song, too.

LOVEGAME

Oh, another guilty pleasure song. It’s definitely a sexy song and that’s what I love about it.

SPEECHLESS

The best thing about this song is that it shows how vocally talented Lady GaGa is. She’s beyond her eccentricity. This song proves that she can definitely sing.

10-All Time Favorite Michael Jackson Songs

I’ve thought about it, and now the final list is here. I have finally thought of all of my favorite Michael Jackson songs and put them on this list. Here are my top 10 all-time favorite Michael Jackson songs:

Man In The Mirror

- The song has impactful lyrics that always awaken my spirit every time I listen to the song. It’s my number all-time favorite Michael Jackson song because it’s a chilling song to listen to—especially when you let the meaning of the song sink in. The song is a strong, relevant-for-all-time song.

Scream

- This song could always be counted as tied with “Man In The Mirror”. The aggression is irresistible, the lyrics are full of attitude I can’t help but project, and the song makes me get up and dance. It’s a song I listen to when I’m irked, when I just want to scream “Stop pressuring me!”

The Way You Make Me Feel

- I remember when I first heard this song: it was when I was watching “Center Stage”, and I remember being ensnared by the way the song was used in the scene. But as for the song in itself, I like the sweet lyrics it has. I like the song’s melody and beats. The song makes me want to just get up, dance, and let go of the things that make life so haggard.

Beat It

- The best thing about “Beat It” is the rock and roll vibe it shares with the funk and r n’ b tune that MJ was known for. Furthermore, the guitar solo just really kicks ass. Fall Out Boy did an awesome cover version too, by the way.

They Don’t Care About Us

- I remember truly appreciating the song after seeing the video clip of Michael Jackson rehearsing the song in his should-have-been comeback concert. I remember how Orianthi Pangaris was rocking the guitars and how the dancers had their cool G.I Joe-ish dance moves. The song has great, “protest” like lyrics that seek racial equality, and the beats, well, how can you not nod your head to them?

Thriller

- Now, how can you not like “Thriller”? it’s one of the best songs to goof-dance to at Halloween, and even on regular days.

Billie Jean

- From the hypnotic base line and snare beat to the danceable beats, “Billie Jean” is truly a great song. I like the song, however, because Chris Cornell made a cover version that was absolutely his own.

Black or White

- I remember this video playing on MTV when I was a kid. I remember the cool morphing technology, and Macaulay Caulkin being a guest in the video. But what makes me consider the song a part of this list is that the song has timely lyrics: “It don’t matter if you’re black or white”. That line says so much for our time.

You Rock My World

- This song came out in my generation. I believe I was 10 years old when the song came out. I wasn’t much of a Michael Jackson fan back then, but I remember liking the song when it came out. The lyrics have a romantic, sweet sense in them. And the song’s also one of MJ’s songs that makes me want to just dance.

Smooth Criminal

- I first heard the song when Alien Ant Farm did their rock version of the song. Comparing both the original and cover version, I would say that both are awesome, kick ass songs. Besides, that anti-gravity lean? How can you not be amazed by it?

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