MOVED to Tumblr

This blog, great as it was, is closed as of March 30, 2010. However, I will still be actively blogging, only on my Tumblr now. Feel free to follow me there.

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- P. Viron

Last trip down Old Memory Lane

Yesterday I decided to clean up my work place. While I was at it, I noticed that my work space was crowded because I kept too many things. Old diaries, little things that used to have "sentimental value". I realized how clingy I have been. So I decided that it was time to throw away some of the things I no longer needed.

I threw away old diaries that contained some memories about bad days. I threw away high school memorabilia like props from the cheering exhibitions. I even threw way the receipts, Starbucks cup and napkins, and a can of Pepsi signed by Buds Over Studs.

Today I realized it was time to let go of who I was and to begin focusing on who I am now. Now that I think about it, in June I'll be turning 19. I'm not a clingy little kid anymore. My dad's right: I'm a grown up now.

Throwing away some of those things felt like a rite of passage. The memories connected with those things were good and bad. But they're in the past. Yesterday was the day to make space for new memories, both good and bad. 

The trash has never been more helpful.

Literary Piece: Pieces to a Puzzle

Originally written: January 29, 2010

When life gets too puzzling, you have to take a breather. It’s like trying to piece together a jigsaw puzzle: when you don’t know where a certain piece fits, you think of the bigger picture and deliberately see where it fits. No rush. No worries. Take all the time you can to see where the pieces fit in order to complete the picture.

Because life puzzles you when you focus on that one little piece. You feel trapped, but not until you think about the whole of it all. Then you’ll see that it’s probably not as bad as you think.

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1661 Most Significant Songs in My Life: Let it Rain by Kris Allen

One of the simplest yet greatest experiences in the world is walking under the rain and feeling the rain literally and figuratively wash away your troubles. I did that one day and it felt really great. My mind was full of troubled thoughts, so during one rainy afternoon, I decided to let it all loose as the rain pounded on my cheeks.

"So, oh, let the rain keep falling down... 'cause it won't stop me from heading where I'm bound... maybe I'm crazy... maybe it's too late..."

Literary Piece: The Masochist

Originally written: November 15, 2009

This is not a love story—for only a masochist would love a narcissist. Reader, I will admit to you that I am a masochist. I am a masochist falling in love with a narcissist.

But I never meant to be a masochist. I never even meant to fall in love. All I ever wanted was happiness and a clear path to my life dreams. Falling in love was not in my list. And to be in love with him—a friend I have been avoiding, a boy whose life I could alter with my feelings!

Now I harbour my feelings, which I dare not call as “love”. I do not wish to call them as such because I’m consciously confused. Confusion mustn’t overpower my reason. This isn’t love!

If I fell in love, I must be sure that he won’t break my heart into infinite dust. Because I’ve been there before, and never will I want to go through the pain again.

Memoir

The ink has faded;
The memories have not
But life goes on, so must I

I can't linger with what was
The time is now for me to throw that away
And make room for new memories

1661 Most Significant Songs in My Life: Iris by Goo Goo Dolls

One of the greatest things about "Iris" is how t is deeply connected to the movie "City of Angels". After all, the song was written for the movie. Furthermore, the song is relatable, with its theme of falling in love and in doing so you see it's a big risk because you're not sure about the feelings of the one you're in love with.

The song's chorus once became the description of how I felt when I was anxious about telling someone how I feel. My train of thoughts were going through scenarios of "what could be" if I didn't tell him or what people would say when I do tell them.

But the song cast that fear away. I took the plunge and I don't regret doing so.

1661 Most Significant Songs in My Life: In Love With a Girl by Gavin DeGraw

The ever sensational Gavin DeGraw captivated me with this song about falling in love with a girl who drives a guy crazy - in a good way. From the opening chords to Gavin's voice from the verses to the chorus, the song is a joy to listen to.

Personally, there's a part of me that hopes I'll meet a guy who will remember me with this song. That probably seems vain, but what I mean is that I hope that by being my true self, a guy will see that... and when he hears this song, he would connect the two.

Literary Piece: JWB 4 (for a lack of a better title)

Originally written: March 20, 2010

The curtain draws, the passion's on
He savors every exchange,
She wonders "should I go on?"

He's fierce, she's hesitant
"You said you wanted thrill"
She lets go and breaks her own heart

His lips slide down
For a moment she stops him
"Are we seriously going to just F around?"

Hormones let loose,
She gets into the game
Her conscience says: wrong thing to choose

Convictions bent over backwards
Short-term pleasure satisfied
"No strings attached"? Is it hard?

"The hardest one to love is he who needs it most"

Sometimes I wonder if I will be the one who can save him - from the lust, the booze, and the cigarettes. Sometimes I wonder if by staying friends with him, I can somehow make him see that the future is worth making good for himself.

I feel like he needs attention... he needs LOVE. This love doesn't have to come in a romantic way in a form of a girlfriend. He needs love in the form of a person who truly cares for him. I think he is the way he is because of the disasters of his life. His dad walked out on him and his mom; his mom is overseas making a living for the two of them. He's alone. Sure, he has his "bros" and "chicks", but deep down I'm guessing there's something missing for him.

I'm not saying he's some kind of pity charity case that I want to help. I'm saying that he deserves better. You're probably wondering why I'm concerning myself with the life of someone I'm not very close with. Well, I wonder the same thing. I ask myself why I even bother. I searched for logical answer to justify this, but I can't come up with anything.

I must confess, though, that I am hesitant about committing myself to being friends with him. What if I lose myself and be influenced by him instead of me influencing him? Actually, there was an incident where I did, shall we say, "lost myself" (that isn't the point of this blog, however). What I'm trying to say is, I'm not sure I can completely handle making an impact on his life. Am I really going to be that person for him? I want him to stop running away from the good life. I'm even afraid that he'll wind up with regrets and a bottle of beer at noon everyday, wondering where his life f'ed up.

The lyrics from the Papa Roach song "Carry Me" is true: THE HARDEST ONES TO LOVE ARE THE ONES WHO NEED IT MOST. But don't get me wrong. I'm not in love with him or anything. I just think he needs love from a friend. You know, the kind of love expressed through caring and encouragement.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I think he deserves to be loved. When I think about it, if he's not "saved" anytime soon, he'll (figuratively) kill himself from running away too much. He could use a miracle.

Literary Piece: The Morning After

Author’s note: This piece was written during (more like after) Typhoon Pepeng.

Originally written: October 12, 2009

The skies are quiet; clearly the storm is over. As the sun rises over the havoc, tears spring like a flooding storm. Muddy bodies under the destruction. How tragic it is to feel Nature’s wrath!

Grief is in the air—families have gone to the infinity and beyond. Despair is felt—no home, no food. Fear is slithering across people’s minds—survival’s disrupted.

But the sun shines on, the clock keeps on ticking. Just do what they do…

Memoir - 02/19/10 08:10

Nobody's here, I'm alone with my thoughts
As the light flickers at the back of the room
And as Maroon 5 sings in the background
"Wake Up Call".. do I need one of my own?

1661 Most Significant Songs in My Life: Born with Nothing, Die with Everything by Papa Roach

The timing couldn’t have been any better. The year was high school senior year. It was do or die. And this song was an anthem to keeping the faith strong.

1661 Most Significant Songs in My Life: New Friend Request by Gym Class Heroes

This flirty song was once an inspiration for one of my writings. I wrote a prose with the same title, a kind of "tale" about how I befriended a guy I liked.

The song's flirty lyrics became my inspiration for the prose. The final product of the writing came out good. At least, that's what I believe. It was rooted on my honest thoughts and experience, which I think is the richest writing source.

Haikus

Originally written: February 24, 2010

Clueless and speechless

Thoughts flow, but not out

And that's all they'll ever be

***

Writing thoughts to words

I thought this was my fate

What happened to me?

***

The fire is out

Inspiration, where are you?

The passion seems lost

1661 Most Significant Songs in My Life: One Day by Simple Plan

It’s amazing how songs are relatable when you feel happy, sad, or confused about the course of life. In the case of this song, it was relatable during a time in my life when I felt a lot of angst. The spiteful, resenting lyrics felt good to listen to.

The song served as musical therapy. And that’s enough for me to consider it significant.

Still Unwhole?

If you would ask me "Is there anything missing in your life?", a few months ago I would have immediately said "yes". But now, I would probably still say, only I wouldn't quite be totally sure of that answer.

Before, I had this belief that my life would finally become meaningful if found The One. Pop songs, romantic movies, and teen drama shows brainwashed me into thinking that way. Maybe I misread their messages.

Since I haven't found The One, a false belief that a lack of romance means a lack of happiness in life. I want to believe that that is not true. My life can still be meaningful when I find The One... when I do, it is possible for my life to have more meaning.

1661 Most Significant Songs in My Life: Miss Murder by AFI

The day wasn’t a good one for me. I felt rejected, hurt, and perfectly knocked out by reality. I felt like I got pushed off the top of Vath Building by someone I thought would pull me rather than push me down. But I’m not going to dwell on the details of that one.

On that day, I happened to listen to “Miss Murder” by AFI. The blood-curling screaming vocals became my own screams when I wanted to relieve myself of the feelings I’ve been stuffing down for a long time. My saying “it’s okay” whenever painful times come were a pile of denial bull crap as the irrelevant words were screamed: “Reaching for a golden ring we’d never let go… but who would ever let us put our filthy hands around it?”

The song snapped me out of a dull life and made me think about taking more risks.

Literary Piece: Happily Ever After Below The Waist

Author's Note: The song "Bang The Doldrums" by Fall Out Boy inspired me to write this piece. This is the second literary piece I've written that is inspired by the aforementioned song.

He said he didn't want anything serious. What I wanted was romance and "true love" - at least that's what I thought. I can't commit to a thing... so why am I still here? Why aren't I quitting or getting up? Why am I still behind drawn curtains?

It all started with a simple attraction... until I got masticated in the gluteus by curiosity. Oh, youth! Oh, curiosity! He won't commit anytime soon and neither will I.

How does this story conclude? "They both lived happily ever after below the waist..." This is a love story in my own way.

Literary Piece: Checkmate

Originally written: January 25, 2010

You've moved your pawns, twice. Now hold on and wait as I think before I move. One wrong move and I can lose. I must move my pieces to the right places.

I'll move my pieces right and if you move yours right. With the right moves one of us will be saying, "checkmate".




IMAGE SOURCE

Literary Piece: Jim Sturgess Eyes

Originally written: February 23, 2010

There’s something in the way

My mind goes

Once again, he affects me

Like no one else does

There’s something in the way

He draws me

I’m not gonna point it out

I’ll just look into them and know

His Jim Sturgess eyes

And cigarette-stained smiles

Will leave me with answers

That trail new questions

Don’t ask me where my heart will go

For it doesn’t know

If he makes an impact

With those Jim Sturgess eyes

I may stick around

To see what’s more

"You want to have coffee again some time?" (A short story)

Author's note: Ernest Hemingway's "Hills Like White Elephants" inspired me to write this piece.

"You should try it," he said."There's nothing more thrilling, more exciting than..." he trailed off when he saw that she wasn't even looking at him.

"But now's not the time," she said. Her eyes remained fixed over the horizon. "We don't even have something between us that will compel us to do it for its actual purpose. And you know what happens when people do it for fun."

"You're over thinking again." He sipped from his coffee cup, shaking his head disapprovingly.

"I'm not." Her tone was defiant. "I'm just sticking to what I believe in. And I damn well am sticking firmly. Besides, I told you before... I'm into that because of trust issues." Awkward silence fell upon them. She felt uncomfortable, but he felt cocky.

"You don't believe you can trust me?" He smirked at her. "I'll show you if you let me." His words were so haunting that her eyes widened in surprise. Her heart began to race. Feeling as if winning a full house, he leaned back on his chair. "Look, we're two very single people. I don't see you attached to any string. And look at me: you don't see a ball and chain, do you?" He paused to watch her squirm - avoidance of eye contact, a rattled posture, slight wringing of the hands - before he said these chilling words: "You said you're looking for thrills... what I'm offering is the most thrilling of the thrills."

She closed her eyes and breathed slowly. "I don't come cheap."

"I get it, you're scared." His damn smirk just won't go away. "You see, I don't do it to be the Alpha Male. I do it because, well, I like doing it."

"Man-whore." The words were out of her mouth without thoroughly thinking it through.

He laughed. "You won't lose anything, so why don't you just try?"

She gave him a look as if he's utterly insane. "I have convictions and I stand by them."

He put up his hands in mock surrender. "All right. I'm not gonna corrupt you." But he saw a sly smile form in her face.

"Although... the 'evil bitch' side of me would go one step at a time through the bases."

He stifled a boisterous laugh. "Why go through that when you can instantly go all the way?"

She raised a challenging eyebrow at him. "Well, do you even know what I'm talking about?" 

He leaned halfway across the table and said in a low voice, "No... so how about it? Will you show me?"

"She met him halfway, leaning as if to kiss him. In a sultry voice, she told him, "I don't come cheap." Seductively running a finger through his jawline, she went on: "Great idea. We should have coffee more often." She giggled. "Want to have coffee again some time?"

1661 Most Significant Songs in My Life: Kindly Unspoken by Kate Voegele

As high as the moon
So high were my spirits
When you sang out my name

And coming from you
It was enough just to hear it
Oh, it rang like the bells did today

But even the sturdiest ground
Can shift and can tremble and let us fall down…

Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It’s lucky I’m clever
Cause if I didn’t know better
I’d believe only that which I’d heard

In the days of my folly
I followed your rules
Did what Simon Says to do

But I won’t let melancholy
Play me for a fool
Oh, no I’m on my way somewhere new

And as far as your lack of something to say
Well, to tell me goodbye there was no better way

Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It’s lucky I’m clever
Cause if I didn’t know better
I’d believe only that which I’d heard

Bridge:

So don’t keep me up till the dawn
With words that’ll keep leading me on
I know much better than to wait for an answer from you

Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It’s lucky I’m clever
'Cause if I didn’t know better
I’d believe only that which I’d heard 

 "As high as the moon/ So high were my spirits / When you sang out my name" Oh, this song counts as one of those relatable songs during my, what I would say, "Lucas Eugene" days.

"Kindly unspoken/ You show your emotion/ And silence speaks louder than words" It was "kindly unspoken" that he would never reciprocate whatever feelings I had for him. In some ways the song served as the statement of the fact that my expectations were not in line with reality.

Like many other songs, this song helped me move on.

When was the last time you did something for the first time? :)

I'm glad I incorporated the storyline of the movie "Yes Man" in my life. The movie inspired me to start saying "yes" to life's opportunities. Today I realized how happy you get to be when you say "yes" to the opportunities of life, even though making that affirmation seems like a scary choice.

The events of today were... wow. Yes, wow. For someone who wants to be a writer and is an English major, I can't find an adjective that deems appropriate to describe the day I had.

Earlier today, I established a friendship with the guy I like (let's give him the name JWB). What had initially happened was that my friend anonymously miss called JWB's number and a "text mate" paradigm began where two strangers begin a friendship through text messages sent to each other. My friend, being a prankster that she was, used the name "CJ" and my last name when JWB asked the caller/texter's name. My friend told JWB that we knew him because he's a friend of one of our friends. Fast forward into the narrative and I ended up on a (chaperoned) platonic-friends lunch date with JWB. 

He turned out to be a nice guy... okay, let's change "nice" into friendly. He was funny at times... totally natural, too. Okay, so there were some moments of awkward silence, but I guess that's okay. 

If that's the best it will ever be for me and JWB, then I would not give back to the world the happiness I felt from today. If all we'll ever be are acquaintances or someday good friends, then I'll be happy with that. There's a comforting thought that will keep me smiling: the memory of how I became friends with him. I became friends with him by taking a leap of faith and saying "yes" to the opportunity life handed me with, instead of saying "no" and being left with "should've, would've, could've".

Today was the first time I, so to say, went on a friendly date. What about you? When was the last time you did something for the first time?

“A House is Not a Home”

When we differentiate a house from a home, usually we say that the house is merely an architectural output, a building perhaps. And a home is usually a house inhabited by people, usually a family, where one can find peace, love, and security. A dictionary would define house as “a building made for people to live in, usually designed for a family” and home as “the place where you live”.

To me, a home is a haven to go to after a day filled with ups and downs. A happy home is a place where the ugliness of the outside world cannot penetrate your feeling of safety.

As the first half of my college life comes to an end...

Last night I was flipping through the channels on TV and for some reason I decided to settle for Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian's reality show. The episode involved a storyline where Khloe was afraid of establishing a romantic relationship with her platonic friend Omarion. Coincidentally, the episode was similar to what I've been feeling lately. I know the feeling Khloe had of building a high personal guard that shuts out any guy who want to have some form of special relationship. I know her feeling of being "self-destructive" because of bad past experiences.

But then I think about how Khloe's the first of the Kardashian sisters to put a ring on it. In the episode, she dreaded that she'll end up alone if she kept up her "defense mechanism" and distrust towards men. However, if you fast forward to her life now, she's in love and happily married. To me, that story is inspirational. It even sort of gives me hope.

***

On a somehow connected note/memoir, earlier today I went to lunch with my friends Ruth and James in a little cafe run by a former Louisian (who graduated as an English major) and his girlfriend. What's interesting is that the paradigm got me thinking about my own life. During our meal, I observed the couple and I thought maybe someday I'd like to have what they have: the company of a trustworthy person, great job, and the comfort of being well off. It was a lovely thought but at the same time it was a little bit scary. It's admirable how these fresh graduates were able to do something in less than a year after they finished their studies (even if they engaged in business though neither of them studied business in college).

I want something close to what they have. Even if lately I'm beginning to realize than being an English major does not offer very promising careers in the future, I still want to do something in my life. I even said today that maybe someday I'd like to open a cafe that's partly a book shop. I also said random things about the future.

Honestly, I've been a bit scared about the future. I'm halfway through finishing my college life and more and more I am unsure about what I will do after I graduate. My future seems bleak, frankly speaking.

The most admirable thing about lunch today was how two young people have each other to start their lives as adult. Sure, what they're doing is not necessarily connected to what they took up during college, but I don't think they're in any hurry to pursue careers related to English or Psychology. The simplicity of this couple's love and friendship pretty much gave me a reality check: I can't totally lose faith in love and in myself. I don't have to be afraid of the unknown things or events in the future.

As Jim Sturgess sings in his version of "Revolution", "You know it's gonna be alright... alright... alright..." Things in my life are gonna be alright.

1661 Most Significant Songs in My Life: Hold On by Good Charlotte

Suicide is a sensitive issue to me. Through this song, however, I find strength in its strong emotion. The words Joel Madden sings remind me that despite all the turmoil that goes on, it’s important to just hold on. Everybody goes through rough times. I might miss out on a lot if I don’t have faith in a better day.

Furthermore, this song is significant to me because it’s a song I dedicate to my cousin who took away his own life. I wish he had heard this song so that he didn’t have to do what he did. I wish he had held on. That’s what makes this song heart-wrenching to listen to.

“I got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match”

Insecurity is nothing new. Most people have it, but they fight it off by believing in their selves and by developing their confidence. People have different insecurities—I’m no exception to that.

My insecurity comes from thinking that I’m not good enough for any guy I pursue. I admit I don’t have Taylor Swift’s beauty or Rhian Ramos’ charm. I’m not the type of girl a guy would label the girl of his dreams.

The true me watches sitcoms and teen dramas, blogs but no so successfully, and studies to earn a Bachelor’s Degree in English. And insecurity in me grows that those aforementioned personalities won’t snag a guy.

So that is why I’ve given up on the idea of romantic relationships. They’re too messy anyway. Besides, I need to iron out my insecurities before testing the waters.

Literary Piece: Return of a Foe

Originally written: January 18, 2010

Author’s note: This piece is about my Mitral Valve Prolapse heart condition.

Don’t delude yourself into thinking you can’t feel my presence. You feel me crushing your bones and you subtly catch your breath as I squeeze you a little tighter.

If you think I’ve gone away, oh, you’re wrong. I bid my time and now I’m out to get you. Look after your heart before I take it from you.

Literary Piece: Not the Pain You Think

Originally written: November 4, 2009

I feel the soreness in my bones

Every move is critical

But I still feel the stabs

They’re going straight through my chest

I shut the pain out

And go on living normally

But it’s still there

Crushing inside me

At night, as I sleep,

I try to listen to my heart

I ignore the tight and sharp pang

And listen to the voice that says “you’ll be okay”

Dark and Difficult Times

ICE BREAKER question: what times are most difficult for you? How would you deal with them?

There are many times that have been difficult in my life, and then there are those times that are fine and dandy. They’re juxtaposition to each other.

The difficult times in my life include having to deal with pressures in school like trying to get good grades or trying not to disappoint anyone. But if I may use literature, the conflict would be an internal one. Sometimes I’m too hard on myself, harder than others. I can be my worst critic.

When times like these come, I listen to music or do some writing. I figure that by doing so I can find the light in a dark and difficult time.

1661 Most Significant Songs in My Life: Over You by Daughtry

If I say I can relate to the song’s lyrics, some people would probably think I’m referring to a romantic relationship that didn’t work out. But I think this song isn’t necessarily limited to that context.

Although, yes, I can relate this song because I broke up with someone—a person who I thought would be a true friend. Listening to the song gives me the feeling of freedom from the burdens I went through during the fall out with the said friend.

Now I am over the drama. That friend slammed the front door shut. A lot of others have opened up since then. So did my eyes and I saw that she never was the best kind of friend for me.

When you say "no" too much...

"I thought if I said 'yes' to things, and got involved with people, then sooner or later they'd find out I'm not good enough." (from the movie "Yes Man")

It's okay to build a personal guard to keep yourself from getting hurt by other people. When you've been badly hurt, it's understandable if you put up your guard. But then again, you got another thing coming if someone wants to come in to your life and suddenly see that you built your guard too high up. As a matter of fact it's no longer just a fence to let people know their limits; you've built a cage around yourself that no one - not even you - can easily get in or out.

Recently I've come to realize that I've actually trapped myself in a cage known as my "personal guard". Bad experiences in the field of love made me distrust guys. Now someone's chipping off pieces of that cage by being friends with me. As a matter of fact, our friendship's platonic. Furthermore, that's not my point. Now I'm immensely hesitant about saying "yes" to life's opportunities handed to me.

The conversations I recently had with the mentioned friend made me realize that I say "no" to life too much. As a result, I end up with "what if" and "maybe I should have..." as lines of thought. I don't say "yes" to life and in the end, I don't experience its joys and thrills. 

Maybe it's time for me to start saying "yes". I need to stop over-analyzing and over-rationalizing to the point that I become irrational. I need to start saying "yes" to life.



IMAGE SOURCE

American Idol Top 16: Guys' Night

Tonight's performances from the guys can be best described as STRONG. I loved most of the performances and because of that, my initial predictions seem to be shifting. 

Here are my thoughts:

• Lee DeWyze made me love "Fireflies". I'm on Team DeWyze all the way, baby!
• I really want to root for Alex Lambert, but this week he just didn't "wow" me enough. I'd like to believe that he can grow his confidence; however, the spots for guys are only six and I'm not quite sure if there's one open for him.
• ... Which brings me to the sudden "realization" that Tim Urban could snag himself a spot in the Top 12 with his rendition of "Hallelujah". Song's one of my favorites and I did Tim did the song justice.
• Andrew Garcia's not have a good live performance... for the panel at least. But, for me, I think he's really trying his best. The judges keep referring to his "Straight Up" rendition during Hollywood week and I think there lies the problem on both sides: the judges expect TOO much from Andrew and Andrew just peeked too early. Tonight I kind of doubted his chances of making it to the Top 12, but then again it's a voting system. Andrew's got a strong fan base and I think that could give him the upper hand.
• Casey James... man, you bored me this week. Now I remember why I wasn't such a fan in the first place.
• I'm not an Aaron Kelly fan, but I do admit that I see a lot of potential in the kid.
• As for Todrick Hall, I was SURPRISED. He may have snagged a spot for himself on the Top 12 based on his performance tonight.
• Michael Lynche's performance... wow, I didn't know what to make of that. Honestly, I wasn't paying full attention to the song so I didn't quite understand why Kara was in tears. Maybe if I listen back to the performance and maybe try to get into the essence of the song, I'll know why. Big Mike's GOOD, I gotta say. He got that whole r n' b, soul thing going on and with songs like he's been singing the past two weeks, I think he'll do well.

So, the performances are over. The results aren't in yet. But now I would like to give my Top 12 (in no particular order) based on overall performance and personal favor towards the contestant (after all, this is a personal blog):

Lee DeWyze

Andrew Garcia

Michael Lynche

Aaron Kelly

Casey James (not a fan, but he's been doing well)

(The last spot I'm hesitant about. Based on tonight's performances, it could actually go to anyone. However, I'm REALLY hoping it's going to be...) Alex Lambert

Crystal Bowersox

Lilly Scott

Siobhan Magnus

Didi Benami (she redeemed herself with that last performance)

Lacey Brown (only because she redeemed herself with her last performance)

Katelyn Epperly (her last performance was too disappointing, however, she's got more chance than Paige Miles and Katie Stevens do)

Then again, I must reiterate: the show has a voting system, which means that I can formulate all the predictions and biases I want but it all goes down to the results of the votes.

Literary Piece: Not Wrapping This In Ribbons

Originally written: November 8, 2009

Don’t take this the wrong way. Just because I duck low and pay attention to Jane Eyre instead of you, it doesn’t mean I don’t like you. Well, I’m not so sure about that, but I know I want us to still be friends.

It hasn’t been easy, especially after that day. Do you remember it as vividly as I do? Or do I have to repaint the picture in your mind?

Do you remember being close, the closest you’ve ever gone? Do you remember your skin brushing mine? I do. I remember the heat.

In that moment, I felt something… something which I can’t give a name to. I’m afraid that if I’m close you, I’ll feel that feeling again and lose my focus. I’ve already made my choice. Not wrapping this in ribbons, the choice was not you.

American Idol Top 16: Ladies' Night

Tonight's show was... quick... to say the least. Tonight there were those who proved themselves and as expected, there are also those who fell short. Furthermore, tonight's showed me who I will truly root for this season (Crystal Bowersox, to name one).

As this blog usually goes for me, here's a summary of my thoughts tonight:

BEST PERFORMANCES: Crystal Bowersox, Didi Benami, and Lacey Brown (she surprised me)

MOST LIKELY TO GO HOME: Paige Miles, Katie Stevens, Katelyn Epperly (she's been kind of a disappointment during the past two weeks)

Tomorrow is Team Testosterone night and I'm looking forward to Lee DeWyze and Andrew Garcia, as always. ;)

Memoir – 02/19/10 08:14

“Loose lips sink ships”, yes, they do. Thanks, friend, for sinking mine. You really are a source of strength. You’re s builder of self-esteem, but what you don’t know is that I’m better at this game than you are.






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1661 Most Significant Songs in My Life: Lovegame by Lady GaGa

 

“Let’s have some fun, this beat is sick”. Well, “Lovegame” IS a fun song. Its beat is definitely sick. Its significance in my life is pretty simple: it reminds me of the guy I liked during the first semester of my second year in college.

My reasons are quite… sensual, if I may so. But let’s not go into details. The fun and sexiness of the song makes me think of thoughts I dare not disclose. I’ll leave those to your imagination.

1661 Most Significant Songs in My Life: I Don’t Want To Be by Gavin DeGraw

“I don’t want to be anything other than what I’ve been trying to be lately/ All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind/ I’m tired of looking around/ Always wondering what I gotta do/ Or who I’m supposed to be/ I don’t want to be anything other than me…” The chorus’ message couldn’t be any clearer. It’s a clear message of staying true to your self. You don’t have to listen to the negativity of people who tear you down. This song reminds me to do just that.

On another note, this song is the theme song to one of my favorite TV shows: One Tree Hill. This show taught me plenty of things about life and love, and listening to this song rush back what I learned from the show.

Desire

Oh, desire. Everyone has them—a desire to be successful, a desire to be famous, sometimes even a desire for a person.

But what is my greatest desire?

Believe it or not, my greatest desire is to find true love. Sometimes I’m embarrassed to admit it, sometimes I feel like it’s just the most honest thing to say. I don’t know. Maybe I really am an incurable romantic.

Even if sometimes I lose my faith in finding what I deserve (true love) because of my frequent heartbreaks, for some reason I still hang on and keep on believing that one day my day will really come. Despite being content with loneliness, I still write about love even if the tempting hands of Cynicism lure me to his company.

I desire love. Isn’t that what we’re here for—to find someone who accompanies you in a world of distraught and hate and confusion? I believe that love’s one of our purposes here in this world. And it’s my desire to fulfill that purpose.

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Literary Piece: Pride Goes Before A Fall

Originally written: November 14, 2009

So many things want to flow

From the depths of my heart

Things—or plainly feelings

They’re longing to be spoken o

The suspension must cease

But pride, oh, it hinders

I grope my way to escape it

I fight my way and I get scathed

Pride overpowers me and I fall down

Denial accompanies pride

Brainwashing me to believing

That what I feel is rubbish

And they must be forgotten about

Pride chains me,

Forbids me to tell you the truth

While Honesty reaches out to me

I struggle to grab hold

So I wait until pride goes before a fall

Dream Job

Ice Breaker question: What type of job would you like to be doing?

I’ve been blogging since 2006, and writing since 2005, and now I definitely picture myself with a job that includes what I love: writing. A blogger or an author is a clear picture in my head. I can continue updating my personal blog while blogging for a company (for example’s sake) as well. And then probably I can work for a publishing company when the opportunity comes.

Yes, these I can see myself doing.

Literary Piece: Hold ‘Em Like They Do in Texas

Originally written: January 25, 2010

In a game of poker, you would definitely win. You’re even probably the best, as long as you know when to fold your cards and put the game on pause. Take time to think and not make and unneeded gamble.

Remember to pick back up your cards and pray that nobody’s stacking the deck. Put on your poker face and hope nobody sees through you. When you’ve played your game well, you’ll win it all, you’ll get all the prizes. Question is: will you be willing to play for the price? If you are, hold ‘em like they do in Texas.

Memoir – 12/21/09 21:50

Patience and love are said to go hand in hand. You have to be patient when waiting for love, patient when you are actually in love, and patient when in the healing process when hitting the ground when love doesn’t catch you.

Patience and love have been hard on me. There are times when I think patience has already rewarded me with love. But then it swiftly sweeps the rug under my feet, as if saying “oops! False alarm”.

It wants me to hold on, to keep my faith.

What’s Up, Lonely?

Ice Breaker question: What emotional problems bother you very often?

Insecurity bothers me now and then. I look at pretty, confident girls and sometimes they intimidate me. They make me envious and make me wish that I possess the same self-security so I can face my fears.

Fortunately, I’ve been able to overcome my insecurities and embrace my self-confidence. It’s not about trying to please other people without feeling pleased with myself first.

Changes

ICE BREAKER: What changes in your life do you believe have taken place?

In life, changes are inevitable. It comes like an uninvited guest. Sometimes we don’t even instantly feel its presence. Then there are times when we’re the ones who create a change. In my life, there are plenty of changes that took place—physical, psychological, environmental, social, etc.

Change is fleeting. Sometimes it’s slow because it has to be so that we can savor it. But we can’t deny that it’s the only thing that is permanent.

MEMOIR: Nothing Suits Coincidence Like, Well, A Suit

Life's pretty funny at unexpected times. I take two steps back and it takes two steps forward. In blackjack, metaphor, I'm ready to leave just when the deck is getting hot. Somehow there's never a synchrony between the decisions I initially make and the opportunities life presents me.

That's why today was pretty funny. Today was my oration for Public Speaking class... likewise for the guy I like from that class. Since we were required to be in a semi-formal attire, I wore my vest (you know how last year formal, suit-like vests were made for women?) and so did he (of course, you can infer that he wore a vest for men). Those things are what I would dismiss as purely COINCIDENCE.

Anyway, lately I told myself that I have no plans of getting too close to him since personal history shows I have the tendency to severe ties with guys I befriend. My plan was that it was okay even if I didn't end up being friends or in speaking terms with this guy. Surprisingly though, this morning, after his speech (which he kind of screw up) I was like, "Can I take a look at the copy of your speech?" I looked it over and told him "Sayang di mo natapos" (or something like that). In English: "Too bad you didn't nail it". Before my speech, I think he was one of those supportively applauded (this inference comes from my observation of sound source... don't ask). During my speech I made numerous eye contacts with him. After my speech he asked me for the copy of my speech for him to look over.

Today's events were something I didn't count on. And I guess that's how life works sometimes... It gives you opportunities when it feels the time is right. It won't hand you over what you think you need especially when you haven't thought well about it. There's a time for everything, and fate or destiny or whatever Deity you believe in will hand it over to you when the time is right. You're not the one who will consciously decide when that time is right. The only thing you can do is be keen when it comes to the element of surprise, because that's where life gets you.

1661 Most Significant Songs in My Life: I’ll Keep Waiting by S Club 7

This song is reminiscent of my days when I was twelve years old. I was a fan of S Club 7 back then and this song in particular caught my attention.

Even funnier, this song was among the “soundtrack” songs to one of the stories/ideas I had when I was twelve years old.

Literary Piece: The One You Can’t Erase

Author’s Comment: No comment! Just read… vertically. Just tune in, turn off, drop out, drop in, switch off, switch on, and explode.

Originally written: August 15, 2009

Just wash the memories away

Oh, wait, maybe not just yet.

Seal them tightly where they belong.

Eradicate not what I still desire

As days wear on, my heart’s growing cold

Rising from the emotional stillness seems tough…

Tough to do

Unwind time and bring me back,

Right to that precise moment,

One moment I always dream making right.

Zealous I will be when that happens!

Until then I think of you,

Longing for many things,

Until then I live on,

Everything still goes on…

The one I can’t erase, oh!

Are you ever going to figure out?

American Idol Top 10 Girls' Night (commentary)

Tonight I got to pick who I'm definitely supporting from Team Estrogen, I mean, the ladies from American Idol's Top 10 (i.e. Crystal Bowersox, Siobhan Magnus, Lilly Scott, and maybe even Katelyn Epperly). I thought these four stood out, and then there are those that just really fell flat on their face (Haeley Vaughn, who I thought would do great, but unfortunately isn't doing so).

Here's a gist of my thoughts on tonight's show:

Best Perfromances: Crystal Bowersox, Siobhan Magnus, Lilly Scott

Most Likely To Go Home: Haeley Vaughn, Katie Stevens

1661 Most Significant Songs in My Life: Hey Jude by The Beatles

This song is significant to me because it’s one of those songs that remind me to keep my chin up during days of struggle or troubles.

But it wasn’t until I watched the movie “Across The Universe” that I got to truly appreciate the song.

The song was featured in one of my favorite scenes from the movie. Max was singing to the lead character, Jude, as if telling him to get Lucy, the love of Jude’s life. “You have found her, now go and get her…” The scene showed me that true love is worth fighting for.

American Idol Top 20: Guys Night

Tonight's Idol performances can be summed up in one word: IMPROVEMENT. Improvement, improvement, improvement.

Michael Lynche started off the show with a bang and Lee DeWeyze ended it with another bang. My favorite, Andrew Garcia, was honestly a little disappointing, but I got a feeling he'll be sticking around.

Here's my over all evaluation of tonight's episode:

Most Improved: Tim Urban, Michael Lynche, Alex Lambert

Favorite Performance(s): Michael Lynche, Casey James, Lee DeWyze, Alex Lambert

Most Likely To Go Home: John Park, Jermain Sellers

As a final note, I'm beginning to truly believe Lee DeWyze to be the dark horse for Team Testosterone. As a matter of fact, I'm beginning to root for him more than I do for Andrew Garcia, my original favorite.

"Expect a change in variables..."

"I thought I had my life mapped out, but then I remembered... always account for variable change..." - (Ben Campbell, "21")

Don't ask me where I see myself five years from now... I'm not so sure. Before, my plan seemed clear, simple as it was: become a published writer. I'm all for the motivating speeches as "chase your dreams" or "believe that dreams come true"; however, lately, I've come to realize that my dreams need to strike a balance with reality. What I need to do is make realistic dreams (paradoxical, I know).

As the first half of my college life finishes its course, a feeling of uncertainty begins to grow in me. I feel like I don't want to finish school just yet because quite honestly, I don't know what I will do after I get my diploma. I probably feel this way because of fear of the unknown, but then just like other things in life, you have to look out for things that could alter your plan.

When I graduated from high school two years ago, I had a plan. Now, life is somewhat forcing me to abandon my plan and to pursue another one. It's like non-linear equations: you have to expect a change in variables.

Out-of-Place Experience

When I was a high school freshman, I really didn’t have what one would call “true friends”. I went from one circle of friends to another. This is what I consider to be an experience wherein I felt out-of-place.

There is one particular experience, however, during that time where I felt completely out of place. There was this particular group of girls I thought I would be friends with—they were sort of cool and bad ass and all that—but apparently one of the girls got the others to turn against me and not include me in their little group.

But I’m thankful I never ended up being friends with them. If I did become friends with them, I don’t think I would like my self for that.

1661 Most Significant Songs in My Life: Crush by Jennifer Paige

“It’s just a little crush/ Not like I’ll faint every time we touch/ It’s just some little thing/ Not like everything I do depends on you…”

All I was feeling was simply a crush—a physical attraction towards someone from the opposite sex. That was all. There was no need to blow it up out of proportion.

That was summer of ’09 for me—a time when someone walked into my life by chance and (to say the least) caught my attention.

Eustress (100th blog post)

There are various things that help me cope with stress. First and foremost, music is the most helpful one. I can just lie down or sit back, put on my headphones, and let the music take me to tranquility.

Secondly, a good book to read helps me cope with stress. When I get into the story, I forgot about my world for a moment and enter the story.

Lastly, writing is always helpful to me in coping with stress. As a matter of fact, I write about what makes me stressful and somehow I’m loosened from that stress. Writing comes by naturally, for the most part, so it helps me get rid of stress.

So what about you? What is helpful to you in coping with stress?

Literary Piece: Who I Am, Who I’m Not, and Who I Want to Be

Originally written: October 14, 2009

I’m a quirky girl. Sometimes people think I’m weird because of that.

I’m an optimist. Most of the time, I look at the bright side and abandon negativity.

I’m passionate about music and writing. My life focuses on those two, among some things.

I’m shy. I tend to keep to myself when I’m around strangers.

I’m imperfect. There are things I do in excess or in deficiency.

Will you take me for who I am?

I don’t cook. I probably can’t fulfil your dream of having someone do everything for you.

I’m not eloquent. I don’t say the perfect things.

I don’t have a physique of a model. Maybe I’m not someone you can brag to your friends.

I’m not the best in school. I don’t own a spot at the Dean’s List nor do I have a perfect line of nine.

I don’t always make the best choices. I inevitably make mistakes sometimes and I let people down.

Will you still take me for who I’m not?

I want to be a writer. The words I write will change someone’s life. I want to inspire people.

I want to be in love. Everyday I wish for love and everyday I dream of love.

I want to be someone who can make a difference. There’s no purpose in idleness.

I want to be good enough. Everything would all be in vain if it weren’t.

I want to be the best that I can be. The moment I stop chasing that, everything would be worth nothing.

Will you take me and help me become who I want to be?

I’ll take you for who you are, who you’re not, and who you want to be… will you do the same for me?